Now What?

I have had a tendency to fill up my time with productive activities with the goal of learning, making money and/or building my resume. In the past I've drawn diagrams of my commitments and my free time with the intention of packing in just one more activity (or two!). One of Eric's goals has been to help me stop and smell the roses, to appreciate down time and to enjoy quality time with friends without rushing out the door with an arrogant self-awareness. The truth is that it wasn't arrogance-- it was a way to build walls of protection, to not get too close to anyone who might hurt me. I didn't want allow anyone to see my weaknesses or to criticize me. So I ran and ran, but not really ran because I always get stomach cramps when I try to.

This past year, I decided to calm down and enjoy people. I purposely only worked enough for us to pay the bills and I started breaking my habit of rushing out the door. Since then, Eric and I have have built better friendships and learned more about each other. Instead of feeling criticized as people saw my weaknesses, I felt more encouraged and loved because I feel like certain people know me better, are more honest and truly love me.

So now that I have jobs set up for next year, working a normal 40 hour week, my initial reaction was that I need to fill up the extra time with commitments. I certainly wouldn't want to be home alone would I? Then I spoke to a theatre professor at Drew who encouraged me to use my time creatively. Without the constant burden of school assignments and deadlines over my head, I can do whatever I want with my time.

So then what does a person who enjoys dabbling in a variety of creative endeavors do? Ideally I want to find a hobby that functions as a creative outlet, glorifies God and quite honestly, that I can excel in. I wouldn't say I idolize certain people in the sense of putting them above God, but I definitely look up to a variety of people who are talented and successful musicians, photographers, playwrights, writers and parents.

Where do I even start? Probably by just doing what I love. Even though it's hot and our little apartment doesn't have air-conditioning, when everyone else is at work, I probably just need to start doing what I love to do rather than spending seven hours a day browsing the internet. I want to be a producer rather than just a consumer. Please understand these are my pipe dreams: I want to be a producer of harmonies and lyrics, of beautiful photographs, of unique perspectives and story lines, of passion and joy. I want to make people think and laugh and love. While a part of me desires to be successful, accomplished and honored, it is probably more likely that I will die in obscurity as most artists do (E and I have had this conversation before about artists). And perhaps that is fine if I have lived a life of love.

But when no one is around to love, rather than become depressed that I'm alone, I will try to use my time productively in the creative sense. Not sure which creative route I'll take yet, maybe all of them and we'll see what happens. Goal: To enjoy the joys of life offered by God.