Much love

This is one of those moments where I'm acknowledging how good life is. I get to fall asleep next to my chosen life partner every night without a social stigma. We are close to our parents and two specific local families with young kids also treat us like family blessing me with the fond nicknames "Hay-hay" and "Aunt Heather." We have maintained some college friendships outside of Facebook and get to sing weekly. We meet every other month with a group of young couples for feasting and laughter which is where we spent our evening tonight. We remember God's love and grace. We are well loved and try to love well. I wish desperately that all people would feel so loved in the unique ways that we each crave.

Our first married Halloween

Can you tell who carved which pumpkin?

These witches were the two tricker treaters who could verbalize words out of the three children we saw Halloween night at our apartment door.

Therefore we had A LOT of candy left over. :-)

Bizarre

Sue Monk Kidd, the best selling author of The Secret Life of Bees, has a book called God's Joyful Surprise: Finding Yourself Loved that has been keeping me inspired recently. Pastor Shawn gave me the book because Kidd's spiritual biography is similar to my own as physical limitations led her to an intimate relationship with God. I'm only halfway through the book but at the moment, Kidd is inspiring me to look for God everywhere and at all times. This might seem like an impossible feat, but this sentence keeps coming back to me, "It is a fearful awareness that you and I are responsible for the extent we will be present to God" (Kidd, 128). Today, on my fourth Sabbath, I'm trying especially hard to be present to God and at lunch through the glass windows of Arby's, I noticed two layers of clouds that were drifting in opposite directions, one layer above the other. I've never seen clouds do that-- while I could understand why it was happening due to wind currents, it seemed bizarre. It reminded me of how often we humans busily pass each other instead of walking together-- I can understand why we're all so busy, but it seems bizarre. We're missing out on each other's lives. We're missing out on the love that we have to give and can receive. We're missing out. As this week starts, I hope I can be more aware of God's presence and try to walk with others rather than pass them in a rush.

A whole night!

Today is the twenty-third day that I've been out of the hospital and I have two accomplishments to announce: I slept through the night for the first time in two months last night (!!) and all my bruises from the numerous IV pricks have healed. No longer do I have tangerine-sized shading on the backs of both hands-- I can see the veins again and to be honest, I think despite Eric's disagreement, that the veins have rerouted around the points of trauma where nurses tried to put too much through small veins causing me much pain. So my healthy backs of hands are a testament to healing, as are the various other points on my arms where needles were placed.

I'm eating a lot, trying to "introduce" foods I haven't eaten in months and trying to gain back the twenty five pounds I've lost. Trying to find the balance between exercising to build muscle and develop stamina while still being able to make it through a day of work and classes which honestly exhausts me. I'm trying not to let anxiety get to me which is much helped by the encouragement and rational of my parents who are a wealth of wisdom, love and patience. I cringe at aches and pains about 50% of the time now wondering "What did I do wrong? Why does it feel this way?" as I come to accept the fact that humans don't feel great all the time-- gas bubbles are uncomfortable before they come out! I'm also getting tired of focusing on my health habits constantly. That's probably not a good thing since I need to be aware of my body, but maybe I can step away from being hyper-vigilant. That sounds like a good plan.

Sabbath

Today is my second Sabbath ever.

Last year, Eric started practicing the Sabbath and would rest one day a week-- no obligations to do work or errands. While he relaxed, I wrote papers, read books, etc. It wasn't until last week that he convinced me to try it out. The day beforehand, I had felt anxious about how much work I needed to do during those 24 hours and Eric kindly reminded me, "That's why you need to prepare for Sabbath, get work done earlier." I resolutely decided that even though I hadn't prepared effectively, I would not do any work last Saturday. It turned out to be a beautiful day with my husband and I remember thinking, "I actually get to relax for 24 hours!!" And I've been looking forward to it all week. Last night I even skipped a music festival so I could accomplish a couple assignments and enjoy a guilt-free Sabbath today.

Now this is only my second Sabbath but I've noticed myself having a different attitude on these days. Instead of feeling burdened by to do lists, I feel flexible and calm. This morning, Eric woke up early and we watched the rain and ate waffles before church instead of rushing out the door. When Pete and Kristin stopped by today to pick up a couple things, we were able to join them for lunch rather than waving good-bye.

To be honest, I'm reminded of the Sunday lunches at my grandparents' house when I was a high-schooler. We'd gather after church, help prepare lunch, eat together, try to think of ways to get out of the conversation by pleading a bathroom break with the magazine rack, then watch TV, play computer games or nap for a couple hours. On the way home, Dad would remind us about how fortunate we are to spend time with our grandparents. He was right.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to enjoy relationships and relaxation on these Sabbaths, and throughout the week but especially on the Sabbath. My gracious God is good.

Follow-up Appointment

Praise God! I had my follow-up appointment with the gastroenterologist and my hundreds of ulcers have healed!! It's time to start weaning off the steroids which will take about two months before I find another medication that will help my colon not be inflamed. I'm so thankful to hear that I've healed and that my discomfort is (sorry folks) just gas. I didn't have that for a month so it feels weird to have it now. Still on a diet but I can work things in slowly, all except uncooked veggies. It's a process but I'm so thankful that I can walk, can sit at a table to do schoolwork or to eat, can lift 17 pound babies (I finally got to see Sherri's family again!), and even help with the household chores. Every day gets better, especially today learning that indeed I'm doing a good job taking care of myself. Whew!! Thank you, Lord!

In the midst of all this, Eric and I are learning that you're actually supposed to have a primary doctor, eye doctor, dentist and chiropractor in your area... I kept my NH doctors for the past eight years-- was I ludicrous!? If there were ever a problem, jeepers I was way too far away to get help when I was living in PA, NC, NJ, France, SD, etc. Wow, another lesson learned.

Transformation

Three entries ago, I mentioned the possibility of internal combustion. Indeed, I got sick, spent ten days in the hospital after I finished that 10 day round of antibiotics, lost twenty-five pounds, had a variety of traumatic experiences in and out of the hospital, was visited by a multitude of saints who spoke inspiring words of life to me, had life changing epiphanies after a conversation in which I admitted to a nurse, "I could be a pastor in a year and right now I don't believe in a healing god," have admitted my inability to thrive on stress which is demonstrated by the fact I gave myself ulcers in my colon, identified areas of stress in my life and better mindsets and habits to live by, adopted a mantra, "I completely and deeply accept and love myself," finally realized that God does indeed love me (!!!) and began reading Scripture in a way that strengthens my personal relationship with the God that I now believe heals more than bodies. GOD HAS TRANSFORMED ME FROM A WORKAHOLIC TO ONE WHO DESIRES THE ABUNDANT LIFE THAT GOD OFFERS WITH LOVE. That abundant life includes rest, renewal and relationships-- things that have previously never made a priority list in my life.

At the United Methodist General Conference in 2008, Drew Theological School was chosen as one of three United Methodist schools to initiate self-care programs. That was my first semester of the MDiv program. I've spent the past two and a half years whipping up summaries about self-care, ignoring the yearly self-care inventories and rolling my eyes when people lead meditations to start classes. Praise God I've learned my lesson! I've got one more year left at Drew and I intend to learn self-care, to build relationships and to enjoy these new found friendships with both myself and with God.

One more example of this life change-- previously due to low self-esteem, I wouldn't speak in group settings. The only time I'd pipe up was in night classes because I was so tired I couldn't keep my tongue. This morning in chapel, we were asked what we anticipated this community would look like in the upcoming year. I leaned over to my mom who was visiting and said, "I think I have something to say." I whispered my mantra to her to give myself courage, "I deeply and completely accept myself," and I caught Tanya Bennett's attention. As I walked up to the mic (it's beautiful to be able to walk), I said to the crowd,

"My name is Heather Valosin and I'm in my sixth semester. I'm missing people who aren't in this room, but I'm also embarrassed to realize how many of you I don't know. I've been a workaholic and I haven't taken the time to get to know you. I apologize. This year, my vision for my role in this community is to pour love in relationships and hopefully receive it in mutual return. Again, I apologize that I haven't gotten to know you earlier. Feel free to hold me accountable. I want to focus on relationships."

I SPOKE BEFORE ALL THOSE PEOPLE FROM MY HEART. I didn't have to tell them that I've been sick for over a month, that I've been diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease or to offer too many details. I just put myself out there, allowing myself to be held accountable. I would have never done that before this transformation.

Other miracles along the way:

- Despite me not working in August when I was scheduled daily, I wasn't fired and Eric almost exactly made the same amount with a commission he finished when I was in the hospital.

- I will still graduate in May despite dropping two night classes.

- Eric is supportive of the changes in my mindset and habits.

- I technically didn't miss anything besides Sherri's babies growing for two months.

- Despite losing so much weight, I am healing quickly, already walking and driving. This is a much better healing process than when it happened a year and a half ago and I couldn't leave the apartment for a month because of weakness.

- Despite a diet of no lactose, caffeine, fresh veggies, fruit and wheat, I am enjoying every morsel of food I can eat.

- I made it to my first class today.

GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I've spent years trying to teach people that God loves them. I just could never understand how it would be possible for God to love me. NOW I BELIEVE THAT GOD LOVES ME. GOD LOVES ME A LOT. God loves you too. I don't know if you'll believe me, but all these changes are all by God's doing. I'm so thankful to be alive in God. I truly wish this for everyone. Right now isn't a season for me to try to convince everyone that God loves them. It's a season for me to enjoy, appreciate, celebrate my relationship with God. I hope this season never ends.

Last Day of Antibiotics

I've spent the past two and a half weeks in the bathroom. I'm not pregnant. Rather I'm now recovering from colitis (swollen colon). Not a fun time.

This time wasn't as bad as my bout a year and a half ago but I never ever want to get this ever again. Apparently this 26-year old body really needs exercise, not to overeat and to process out stress. Tomorrow I'm taking the last of 10-days of antibiotic with the prayer that I'll start recovering soon. Prayers would be much appreciated both for my physical and emotional health. I also have to work three hours tomorrow where there's only a stool to sit on... I hope I can survive that since I've been circulated between the bed and hard backed chairs for the past few days.

Lord God, please have mercy on me and all those who aren't feeling well. Have compassion on us. Give us and those around us the wisdom to respond appropriately. Help me please, Lord, to regain strength so I can continue to enjoy my marriage, family and friends. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Not feeling well...

Working at a children's retail store makes me paranoid. For the past two weeks, I've had strange symptoms-- nausea, bloating, cramps, craving for salsa. It all started when I work up feeling sick two Mondays ago, drank a glass of water and promptly vomited. (TMI?) At lunch on Sunday I realized I had eaten salsa every day the previous week and that it was the only thing that looked appealing on the menu of The Cheesecake Factory. I haven't been exercising and I keep intending to but my lower abdomin is so uncomfortable that walking seems to take exertion. I have no idea what's going on and visits to the doctors aren't my favorite so my game plan is to stop drinking milk (for my on-again-off-again lactose intolerance) and to eat a variety of foods. Exercising should be on my list and I'll do it if I can work up the motivation. I'm totally one of those people who gets every symptom if I know what they are so I'm hoping that this is nothing serious, just a paranoia as I watch pregnant women shop for baby clothes.

Waiting another week and half for Auntie seems to be an eternity!

Combustion

It's official, I'm a workaholic. I've been trying to figure out what to do next semester regarding school, work and marriage and a thought keeps creeping into my conscious, "Since I don't have kids yet, I should be capitalizing on my time and trying to make as much money/soak in as many experiences/add to that resume as much as possible while there's still time." This mindset was well demonstrated last spring as I worked 50+ hrs a week, writing papers while sitting in lectures, shopping for wedding gifts during classes and frantically running to the store during lunch to pick up necessities. Yesterday I found a prayer written on March 15th about feeling like I was crumbling yet thankful that we were healthy and that food was in the refrigerator.

I'm not sure that without Eric I would ever have reassessed this attitude. When I was a freshman, a kind-hearted senior asked me why I was so busy and I quipped with a wave, "Because if I weren't, I'd realize I was depressed." Then I managed to get myself into three shows in the same month...

Eric isn't a workaholic. He's not lazy but he also won't deny that he enjoys staring at a blank wall. I tried to get him to excuse himself as being an artist and imagining the creations he could create upon the blank wall but he's corrected me saying, "No, sometimes I really just like to have no distractions so I can think."

Well I think I can think on the run. I manage to get good grades and to meet a lot of people when I'm running on the effects of caffeine. I actually appreciate the theological school's emphasis on personal boundaries but I like to guard my time management boundaries so I can make it to the next gig. I even generally manage to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. There is one catch however...

I want my marriage with Eric to succeed. I want to spend time with my favorite person who is so different from me in some ways. I want to figure out why he doesn't feel guilty about not being able to distribute wealth evenly worldwide. I want to learn how he can spend time with people, giving them his full attention without feeling the pressure to run off to another commitment. I want to have hobbies and special skills like the way he can play guitar and juggle. I want to feel relaxed when we cuddle. With these desires and my track record, I started planning next semester...

With only two semesters left, I'm trying to make sure to get required classes in with a couple personal interest electives (playwriting and the history of western ethics). After Eric figured out a budget, I knew exactly how much I needed to make each week and I had a few part-time job options. Last night when Eric got home from work, he patiently listened to me talk out all the options from one part-time job 12hrs a week to three part-time jobs simply to fill my free time when he's gone. Thankfully he reminded me that graduate school supposedly requires homework and that I could actually leave free mornings so I can write papers and read textbooks instead of doing it in other classes. With his encouragement, it looks like I'll actually have three free mornings a week one of which I'll spend with Sherri and her babies. I'll limit myself to working two part-time jobs that will only be about 12-25 hours a week depending upon the week. I'll take the maximum course load... jeepers this kind of isn't sounding easy however if Eric hadn't encouraged me to chill out I would probably continue on a trajectory of internal combustion.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Weekend Trip

Last weekend, Eric and I went on a road trip to NH with his mom and pop. Despite construction on 287 that kept us moving at a snail's pace for two hours on our Friday night drive and despite arriving at my mom's house at 3am (ugh), we had a lovely weekend. We had my first birthday meal in seven years with my parents and grandparents at my favorite restaurant, went swimming in the lake, played a couple games of bowling and concluded the evening with a family game of Balderdash. A lot was crammed into a short amount of time but it was a great time for everyone to let down their hair, feel more comfortable with each other and enjoy a short vacation. :-)

My last day as a 25-year old

This past year has been amazing. Insane, but amazing.

I've worked with and held my own with the Lakota Native Americans in South Dakota, a teenage girls' group in a wealthy New Jersey town and a group of hospital chaplain interns of which I was the youngest by fifteen years. I've trekked into NYC weekly to work with the chaplain at the Church Center for the UN, had an article published in a national magazine and sang on a produced CD while becoming a certified candidate for ordination. I've gotten married and successfully fluffed the dress of my best friend as her maid of honor. Eric and I have moved into our first apartment, split up the chore list, made a budget and thus far have remained within budget. I've recently started my first retail position as a sales associate at a children's retail store. And I'm about to start my final year at Drew Theological School.

I'm in the process of learning that being is more important than doing (though even noting my accomplishments above seems to contradict that statement...), that my opinions are valid and worthy of being shared and that the criticism of others doesn't have to weigh me down. I feel that Drew has successfully made me a critical thinker regarding theology. This process has led to endless difficult conversations with Eric about different perspectives of God and faith and he has patiently husband withstood my struggles to articulate what I've been learning. I've just recently reached the place where I can read theological perspectives that I disagree with while being able to appreciate the author's intentions. Thankfully Eric and I have found a church where we both feel comfortable with the theology, music and church family. Since neither one of us is working there, we can appreciate the spiritual food without being on the spot to lead other sheep.

I'm obsessed with reading blogs about Christian missionary families. While I somewhat enjoy dreaming about the future wishing it were here, I'm reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow and I think she would remind me to enjoy the moment. Though I dreamt about our first child a couple nights ago... I dreamt that I thought he was brilliant and then I forgot his name...

One of my best friends had twins this spring and her seventeen month old son was our ring bearer. She is a constant reminder to me that things will work out and that I don't need to be so worried about life.

My brother did an internship in CA this spring, flew to the east coast for my wedding and then was offered a job at the brewery where he was working. On Valentine's Day weekend, my sister got engaged to another med student from CA. My parents and I are wondering how they both are ending up on the other side of the US.

This summer Eric's aunt and uncle's house caught on fire and thankfully they and their dogs are fine although the house had a lot of damage.

As far as I can remember, those were the highlights of the year. Who knows what next year will bring? May it be a year of love, joy and peace not only in my household and family but around the world.

P.S. I heard a prayer this year that has stuck with me, "Lord, please be with all those who haven't been prayed for today." May that also be true.

Wow

Eric and I are back from an amazing wedding and a lovely 2-week honeymoon. It was a completely precious wedding day for us of seeing loved ones, singing, publicly committing to loving each other and "should we have children (yes, Lord, please!), teaching them to fly guided by the love of God." We enjoyed every moment of it which was such a blessing since planning the big day was definitely a lot of work. There were a multitude of people who graciously helped us out for which we are immensely thankful for. We can honestly look back with the memory of the worst thing that happened was a groomsman set off the apartment's fire alarm when he was making Eric a wedding day breakfast of bacon-wrapped Twinkies. :-) So many great memories!

After the wedding, we spent a week in Meredith, NH relaxing and then another week cruising down to Bermuda where we rode a moped through the English colony, swam, snorkeled and kayaked. A beautiful honeymoon.

We've spent the past three days opening wedding gifts and we still have a hat box of cards. Not only did we cherish the opportunity to share a special day with the presence of so many beloved friends and family, but the love continues to flow in through their notes on the mat for our wedding photo, the drawings made during the reception of each other (thanks Google for a great game idea) and the myriad of gifts and cards. I am truly overwhelmed with such a display of love on top of gaining such a great husband.

3 Days!

Three days before the wedding! Eric and I worked so hard in the past few months that when Tricia, Mom and Grandma arrived earlier this week ready to work, we didn't have much to do. Unfortunately, I somehow left two personal projects so that keeps me busy in the morning before Tricia wakes up. Then we relax around my apartment until about noon. Yesterday we went on a five mile walk/run before starting to run errands with Eric. Yesterday we were also able to visit the lovely Sherri and her family including the seventeen month old ring bearer, Joey, before going to the new apartment to tidy things up. I haven't heard from mom in about twenty hours so I'm hoping she had a great time in Princeton reuniting with a friend. Tricia bought a GPS to get around NJ safely and... well, to get around which was a good idea. I'm sleeping about seven hours a night, usually restlessly with thoughts about the wedding running through my head. I'm drinking a lot of coffee and trying to limit salt intake as if lowering my water retention will help me fit into the dress better. I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THE HONEYMOON!! This time in a week, I'll be married! The next time Eric and I go to Sunday worship, we'll be married and have learned what our marriage stories will be for the rest of our lives.

Prayer requests: Peace of God over our minds and spirits instead of anxiety, safe travels for all, may God be glorified during our ceremony and reception, may Eric and I have a union blessed by God. :-)

Last date and the last week before the wedding begins!

Eric and I had a great last date as an engaged couple. There's a special bridge in the woods about a mile or two from my apartment where Eric's taken me twice for our first date and for an anniversary. Each time he brought subs, soda, battery-operated tea lights and daffodils. Not wanting to copy his dates but wanting to return to the site, I found a map of the Loantaka Pond Reservation and printed it off with a circle around a parking lot we've never been to and an X on the bridge. When I picked up Eric after work, I drove past the entrance to the park that we typically use to find the parking lot on the map. Then I had Eric find the treasure map in the car and lead us to the X. It worked! I successfully pulled off the surprise after we walked about a mile from a different direction! I pulled out a sub from Subway with two Cokes from my backpack and just after I noted that "there should be more creatures in the water [under the bridge]," Eric spotted a large snapper turtle. After we ate, I gave Eric a letter I had written while I hoped that the mosquitos would bite me in places my wedding dress would show. Thankfully, I made it out of the woods without a bite. Whew. I had forgotten about the bugs. Then in order to make it as close as possible to a dream date for Eric, I pulled out his baseball gloves and a baseball to play in a field as he reminisced about his passion. :-)

Last night was Laura's bachelorette party and I secretly pretended it was mine which was great because I didn't need to be the center of attention but I could allow my pre-wedding bod to consume three drinks.

And now Tricia's on her way!! Eric and I'll pick her up in about two hours! I'm so thankful for Tricia. She has definitely seen me through my lowest lows and highest highs. In the past two years, she's driven from Pittsburgh on multiple occasions to take care of me in illness and to celebrate the wedding. I'm hoping that this visit can be relaxing for her despite it being the week before my wedding. So glad we have a week together!!

Nine days before my wedding. The ten day forecast says it'll be partly cloudy with a high of about 79 degrees. That sounds great!

We're done with so much of the wedding planning and I've almost moved out of my apartment. The last minute tasks include getting my engagement ring cleaned, printing off an activity book for the kids, organizing a game for the reception, confirming details with the caterer, greeting everyone as they come into town, packing the car with everything needed for the rehearsal, manicures and pedicures, a bachelor party and getting ready to pay everyone. We're slowly coming off the high of busyness and we've decided to try to be happier than we've felt recently due to stress.

Eric only has two more days of work before three weeks off. :-) Tomorrow after work, I'm going to take him on a date to one of our favorite places.

Although I'm thoroughly tired of saying good-byes at the end of the school year, Mom reminded me that I get to say hi to all the guests in a week. I'm excited about seeing so many friends and family in one place. Jenn and John are bringing their little man, Cameron, whom I haven't met yet. I have no idea how my head won't explode on the wedding day. It's SO EXCITING anticipating seeing loved ones, trying not to trip down the aisle, standing at the front of a sanctuary for an hour in high heels and a tight bodice, trying to get good photos, hoping everyone has a great time at the reception, hoping that the drinks aren't flat and that the food lasts, cleaning up and then our plans for the night before two weeks of vacation between NH and the Bahamas!!

I'm excited and thankful for the many blessings surrounding our wedding: Eric, flexible family and wedding party members and great musicians. I'm also glad that we will hopefully only ever do this once because it's a lot of work. Though I did have to stop myself from borrowing next semester's textbooks from the library this morning... how about you get married first, Heather?!

Craziness

Fender bender my first day off from work/school. Eleven days before the wedding. It wasn't my fault. It looks like it'll work out, but it was an unnecessary distraction from trying to planning the wedding and relax. Tired sigh.

Pete's over and we're planning the reception with Eric. I ate pizza and drank a soda even though I had resolved to eat healthy starting today. I was too stressed to be more resolute. Which of course leads to more stress.

Bought lots of make-up and hair supplies today to figure out how to do this face thing myself for the wedding. But I didn't have time to shower today so I didn't get to try anything.

It'll be okay.

Two years

Two years ago, I was invited to an IVCF camping trip. We had a great time playing on the beach, singing and answering awkward questions that Arnold proposed, "What would be your dream wedding?" and "Describe your perfect mate." On the afternoon of May 3, 2008, the group gathered around a picnic table on the beach and Eric pulled out a piece of paper and pencil. He started playing a childhood artistic game with me and the others got bored and wandered off. I patiently continued playing wondering about whether Eric shared my affection. Finally, he stopped playing and asked me out. Once I was clear that he was talking about me and not any other girl, I agreed and we excitedly jumped up from the table to join the others who were playing a few hundred feet away. I stopped him before we got within hearing distance and quickly said, "Look, you just have to know. I've never been kissed. I'm okay with that and everything but I think you should know. We don't need to rush it, but you just need to know." Eric's perfect response was, "How is that possible?"

A week later, I cryptically wrote in the blog: "let's just say, I'm not looking naively into the abyss of the future with an unreciprocated relationship [are you reading into that yet, Amie?]. Thankfully, I have been able to maintain and build new friendships since then and from the perspective of this plateau, I'm thankful for my experiences."

And two years later, we're twenty-six days away from our wedding!

We've been through sickness and health, traveled to Uganda together, sang a duet at Eric's dad's wedding, supported each other through transitions and most importantly, enjoyed as many moments together as possible. We're just as happy singing in concerts with our favorite musicians (Mark Miller and Mark Karris) as we are playing Trouble in our PJs. We can gang sock wrestle with the most athletic seminarians (though not necessarily win!) and enjoy the solitude of a lazy Sunday afternoon. We listen to each other long enough to understand each other's intentions rather than make assumptions. We take turns cooking dinner and agree to split the chores in order to have equal time to relax together. We hug daily and say, "I love you," every time we leave each other. We say, "I love you," at other times too. We genuinely enjoy being with each other. We're looking forward to living in one home.

I love Eric Valosin. He has legitimately changed my life by listening to me patiently, encouraging me, being my friend and companion and by dreaming dreams with me. Thank you, handsome man. I'm looking forward to being your wife.

Remind me later please

My life is crazy. This is what a typical week looked like this spring:

Monday: 7 hr. Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) workshops; Zumba fitness class

Tuesday: 7 clinical hrs. at the hospital; 2.5 hrs class about loss, grief and dying

Wednesday: 4 clinical hrs.; 3 hrs researching at the Methodist Archives; 5.5 hrs class

Thursday: 9 hrs. in NYC for an internship at the Church Center for the UN

Friday: 8 clinical hrs; 3.5 hrs youth group

Saturday & Sunday: wedding errands, papers

In case that's just a bunch of jumble, it translates to three classes, two internships and one part-time job while planning a wedding.

I have faced a lot of fears including seeing a dead body and commuting to and working in NYC.

I have driven through two storms (blizzard and hurricane) to get our wedding bands.

I have had ample time to reflect due to two weekly reflection papers and individual meetings with two supervisors.

I was disappointed not to be able to sing with the seminary and gospel choirs at Drew but I have the opportunity to sing with the gospel choir and a rock band this week.

I've written approximately thirty papers this semester, been published in the April issue of Response magazine, created a couple videos for the Tillman Chapel, preached a few times to the youth group and read two books leisurely. I haven't exercised as much as I wanted to but I have lost about seven pounds. I fit into my wedding dress. Eric and I have a new apartment that we're presently moving into. I only got sick once and I'm still recovering from the cold. I have been very stressed. But I'm happy to have survived and thrived. I don't think I need to over-extend myself like this again though. Remind me of that, will you?

Hard to Concentrate

It's getting stinkin' hard to concentrate when I'd rather be day-dreaming about the wedding! I've still got a few weeks of school left but only recently have I really begun to daydream about the processional, reception dancing, holding Eric's hands, the music, the family and friends all present, the dress, the rings, the first night together... I can sit through whole lectures distracted by the enjoyable thought of dear Honor, the flower girl, or of little Joey, the ring-bear who'll be fifteen months old next month. I have no idea how I'll be able to enjoy all the loved ones that will be there as much as I want to. Honestly, I think it'll be a little strange when I'm used to one-on-one conversations compared to everyone at one party!

Nine more papers/projects plus two finals before this semester is over. I think I can, I think I can!

I wish I had known seven months ago

- don't take extra jobs just to save up money for a wedding. rather work with what you have 'cause the extra stress is so not worth it

- don't read bridal magazines and websites 'cause they just feed the wedding businesses and drive you crazy with body image concerns

- pre-think up a response to "how's the wedding planning going?" 'cause sometimes people don't need to know what you're going through

- the relationship and marriage is most important, not the wedding and reception

- everything's going to be fine so relax a little

things I'm glad we did:

- split up the to do list

- pinky promise Eric's mom that she and I won't have the typical mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship

- work through a marriage counseling booklet

- spend time together whenever possible

I'm looking forward to marrying Eric so much. I'm looking forward to coming home to each other, not leaving each other's places at night, facing the world together, learning more about how he ticks so well, ...

Clownin' Around

The past two weeks have been pretty rough with eight papers/presentations due. With wedding stress on top of everything, I was a mess this time last week as I tearfully doubted whether I would be able to fit into my wedding dress. Thankfully, Eric surprised me at just the right moment with Tricia and Shannon's surprise arrival from Pittsburgh and a surprise lingerie party the next day where my childhood best friend surprised me from D.C. We had a great weekend and I was able to re-prioritize and collect myself.

Then I started another week of due dates and expectations. As a hospital chaplain, I led a Catholic prayer service at the bedside of a wife/mother who had died in the middle of Monday night. On Wednesday and Thursday, I did research for the United Methodist Women. I also had the opportunity to sing with Drew's seminary choir and later rehearse with Mark Karris' band for his CD release party in April. Tonight, I preached a message for fifteen Southern Baptist teenagers. While teaching the kids about stress and the gospel imperative to "not worry about your life," I dressed up in a clown outfit and applied face paint in order to do a practice exercise with them as a silent clown.

WHO AM I?!?! Do you think I wear too many hats?

I think it's time to crash now.

But tomorrow morning, Eric and I are putting a deposit down on an apartment for May, getting fitted for our wedding attire and checking out the reception hall again... I don't have anything planned for Sunday...

P.S. I'm typing this as I sit in my clown outfit. I hope this face paint comes off...

Lovely Day

Two weeks ago, we had snow days and today it was 50 degrees. Welcome, Spring Break! I have to admit I'm loving the warmer weather because with warmer weather comes weddings. :-)

We booked a honeymoon this afternoon! We're pretty proud of our bargaining skills (Arnold & Pete would be proud) and it looks like it'll be a great time. We also started picking up odds and ends (flower girl petals, water bottles, etc.). 84 days to go. I can hardly imagine what life will be like when we're not planning a wedding, taking classes, working part-time jobs and pulling our hair out.

Hopefully we can go for a bike ride tomorrow. After months of brrr, I'm looking forward to catching the breeze as we wander the rolling streets through town. Then it's back to the grind spending the week at the hospital.

No bags please

Third snow day two weeks but this time, I actually stayed home in bed watching the snow fall outside my window, sipping coffee and thanking God for this opportunity to relax.

We're five weeks into my crazy sixteen week semester with two weeks of class break for spring and Holy Week ahead. I haven't gotten sick at all this winter which is rare but for which I'm grateful for. I'm hoping by the time the wedding comes, I don't have bags under my eyes from these short nights.

Working as a hospital chaplain

Last night was my first night on-call as a hospital chaplain. I can't say I had a flawless performance, but I didn't run away from my fears and I think that in this type of environment, that's commendable. Eric was a dear (that sounds strange but articulates my appreciation) and stayed in the CPE apartment giving me, not only a Ho-Ho chocolate surprise, but also a sense of normalcy in the midst of my nervous imagination. It seems like I fall in love with him all over again every day as I get to see him respond to different situations.

Let it snow

97 days until our wedding! I'm so excited!

Here's a photo of the snowperson we made two weeks ago. Eric's already looking forward to playing with our kids out in the snow. Guess we're not moving to Florida!

Happy lady here with a new computer.

Eric...

Seriously, this needs to stop. I'm getting tired of calling Eric every day after he gets out of work to tell him I've broken something else. He's presently on his way over to check out his computer which froze under my care and won't even power off...

In better news, we can't decide where to eat dinner so our plan is to drive west for three miles and eat at the first restaurant we see. How's that for problem solving?

Broken

My computer had a melt-down and my car's a pididle.

But we're on it. Actually, Eric's on it. He's researching new laptops and we went looking for a headlight this afternoon. Over dinner we joked that I'm breaking everything and he's fixing it.

I didn't have any of my three classes this week so I've been working overtime at the hospital in order to take time off the day after my first overnight as chaplain and the day before the youth group sleepover (in the same week!).

Eric and I built a 7ft tall snowman yesterday afternoon while NJ announced its state of emergency.

This morning even though classes at Drew were delayed until 1pm, I was on the train headed to the city by 6:40am after waking up at 6:17(!). Didn't have time to make coffee or breakfast, nor pack a lunch or even a water bottle, so I was a little hungry today with the 1.6 mile walk to and from the Church Center in Manhattan.

Honestly, I'm enjoying everything I'm doing. I'm emotionally spent working in the hospital as a chaplain and I'm tired working long days but I'm happy with life. Eric continues to impress me daily with wise words and gentle reminders to play. I'm glad I get to spend my life with him! It's amazing to hear another person suggest dreams for the future and know that I get to be part of it. :-)

Not me

It's kind of difficult to describe life right now. I'm so caught up in other people's commitment to missions and family concerns to feel like my daily life is worth a word. Tomorrow Kenny's moving to Asia for three years to live in the slums. Jessi and Jake just had their first child in South Africa and are hoping to return to their chosen homeland Zambia asap. Sherri's preparing to give birth to twins in the next two months. Various people are grieving and celebrating and I try to keep them in my prayers.

118 days until our wedding day!

Week one of fourteen down for the spring semester.

So many crazy things are happening.

Eric did a shopping spree with gift cards at Pearl Art Store where they had a storewide 75% off closing sale. Usually a frugal art major, Eric enjoyed being able to grab oil paints, markers, tape, frames, brushes, even an easle. He kindly bought me an art kit so I could dabble this summer which made me very pleased. Besides the crowd and a 90-minute line to check-out, it was a great once-in-our-lifetime experience.

For being an overcommitted couple, we're holding in there pretty well. We try to see each other every night and often work on wedding plans. It's probably the worst time we could have chosen to work multiple jobs/internships/classes while planning a wedding, but we're already dreaming about gaining freedom this summer.

Last Day of Break

I'm back in the races again tomorrow. I'm sure you don't want to read my To Do List so I'll try to avoid sharing it. While I'm sad to see personal time disappear for a few months, I'm looking forward to learning, growing and developing more appropriate ministerial responses. Hopefully I can use my time wisely, eat healthy, exercise and see Eric this semester. Yeah, those are my general goals. :-)

H

I haven't been able to write recently because of so many thoughts about Haiti. This semester, I'm going to be focused on the topics of loss, grief and dying as I work as a hospital chaplain, research abortion/reproductive health and take two classes about pastoral care for the grieving and dying. At this moment before I study these topics, I'm confused about God's role in Haiti's natural disaster and how to rationalize it theologically. Even from a distance, I'm grieving the traumatic loss that the Haitians are experiencing as they grieve the death of family members and friends, the pain that the wounded are enduring, the fear of the another seemingly random quake, the dislocation of families and the lack of basic necessities. Part of me wants to angerly accuse God of hurting those we knew were most in need on this side of the world because I can't seem to blame an earthquake on a person. Why am I wanting to blame? Perhaps if we had done a better job of caring for Haiti before the quake, the buildings wouldn't have fallen so easily and clean water would have been more readily accessible. One of my dreams is to help run an orphanage but I can't even imagine the pain of lacking formula for two hundred babies, a story that I heard on the news this morning. I don't understand why I'm comfortable and so many aren't. If anyone's reading this and thinking, "Girl, stop thinking and get up and do something!" I've done what I can from where I am. I hope that as Haiti is rebuilt this spring while I'm learning about death theologically and practically, I can have better responses to these questions.

Another great moment, not perfect though

After a productive day of running errands and babysitting for a great little guy (our ringbearer!), I'm wrapping up the day with a couple online responsibilities, Eric's painting the design for our invitations at his easel and we're listening to jazz music. I even exercised today so I'm feeling the good burn. Life could only be better if all people were also warm, fed, safe and loved.