Transformation

Three entries ago, I mentioned the possibility of internal combustion. Indeed, I got sick, spent ten days in the hospital after I finished that 10 day round of antibiotics, lost twenty-five pounds, had a variety of traumatic experiences in and out of the hospital, was visited by a multitude of saints who spoke inspiring words of life to me, had life changing epiphanies after a conversation in which I admitted to a nurse, "I could be a pastor in a year and right now I don't believe in a healing god," have admitted my inability to thrive on stress which is demonstrated by the fact I gave myself ulcers in my colon, identified areas of stress in my life and better mindsets and habits to live by, adopted a mantra, "I completely and deeply accept and love myself," finally realized that God does indeed love me (!!!) and began reading Scripture in a way that strengthens my personal relationship with the God that I now believe heals more than bodies. GOD HAS TRANSFORMED ME FROM A WORKAHOLIC TO ONE WHO DESIRES THE ABUNDANT LIFE THAT GOD OFFERS WITH LOVE. That abundant life includes rest, renewal and relationships-- things that have previously never made a priority list in my life.

At the United Methodist General Conference in 2008, Drew Theological School was chosen as one of three United Methodist schools to initiate self-care programs. That was my first semester of the MDiv program. I've spent the past two and a half years whipping up summaries about self-care, ignoring the yearly self-care inventories and rolling my eyes when people lead meditations to start classes. Praise God I've learned my lesson! I've got one more year left at Drew and I intend to learn self-care, to build relationships and to enjoy these new found friendships with both myself and with God.

One more example of this life change-- previously due to low self-esteem, I wouldn't speak in group settings. The only time I'd pipe up was in night classes because I was so tired I couldn't keep my tongue. This morning in chapel, we were asked what we anticipated this community would look like in the upcoming year. I leaned over to my mom who was visiting and said, "I think I have something to say." I whispered my mantra to her to give myself courage, "I deeply and completely accept myself," and I caught Tanya Bennett's attention. As I walked up to the mic (it's beautiful to be able to walk), I said to the crowd,

"My name is Heather Valosin and I'm in my sixth semester. I'm missing people who aren't in this room, but I'm also embarrassed to realize how many of you I don't know. I've been a workaholic and I haven't taken the time to get to know you. I apologize. This year, my vision for my role in this community is to pour love in relationships and hopefully receive it in mutual return. Again, I apologize that I haven't gotten to know you earlier. Feel free to hold me accountable. I want to focus on relationships."

I SPOKE BEFORE ALL THOSE PEOPLE FROM MY HEART. I didn't have to tell them that I've been sick for over a month, that I've been diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease or to offer too many details. I just put myself out there, allowing myself to be held accountable. I would have never done that before this transformation.

Other miracles along the way:

- Despite me not working in August when I was scheduled daily, I wasn't fired and Eric almost exactly made the same amount with a commission he finished when I was in the hospital.

- I will still graduate in May despite dropping two night classes.

- Eric is supportive of the changes in my mindset and habits.

- I technically didn't miss anything besides Sherri's babies growing for two months.

- Despite losing so much weight, I am healing quickly, already walking and driving. This is a much better healing process than when it happened a year and a half ago and I couldn't leave the apartment for a month because of weakness.

- Despite a diet of no lactose, caffeine, fresh veggies, fruit and wheat, I am enjoying every morsel of food I can eat.

- I made it to my first class today.

GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I've spent years trying to teach people that God loves them. I just could never understand how it would be possible for God to love me. NOW I BELIEVE THAT GOD LOVES ME. GOD LOVES ME A LOT. God loves you too. I don't know if you'll believe me, but all these changes are all by God's doing. I'm so thankful to be alive in God. I truly wish this for everyone. Right now isn't a season for me to try to convince everyone that God loves them. It's a season for me to enjoy, appreciate, celebrate my relationship with God. I hope this season never ends.