Last Day of Maternity Leave

I had high hopes for this maternity leave.  I thought I would take a spiritual retreat, deepening my faith, memorizing Scripture.  I thought we would venture off to D.C. for a vacation of sorts visiting as many museums as we could.  I thought I would...

Instead, I have fed my baby around the clock, made many doctors appointments, washed a load of diapers every other day, watched every episode of this season's America's Got Talent, started watching online episodes of "Up All Night" while breastfeeding, taken a million photographs of the youngest member of our family and spent two marvelous nights up in the Catskills with great friends.

There's not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do.  But I love watching Little Boy's every move and trying to catch him growing before my eyes.  I enjoy "grown-up" conversation and my high pitched babble to Little Boy in an attempt to keep him from crying.  I'm impressed that after every bath he can drool so much it drips down his face and into his hair.  And he's on the verge of smiling at us.  We're exhausted but happy.

And tomorrow I head back to work part-time.  Another adventure begins where people may not be so patient with Little Boy's cries, his feeding schedule or my sleep-deprivation.  However, it is quite likely that Little Boy will bring joy to others that I can't offer them myself, that they will hear his cries with less anxiety than we feel and that I may be able to drink enough coffee to hide my sleep deprivation for a few hours a week.

Surely everything will be fine.

4th, 5th and 6th of July

In the Catskills, we watched three firework displays from the deck, played board games, rode a motorboat and pontoon boat around a lake 1 mile long, cast off the deck and went "trolling", ate s'mores, waded in the lake, chatted over snacks and meals, watched the sunset over the other side of the lake and fed our baby every two hours who slept through our adventures while being watched by Grammy.  Great friends/family, great fun.  "This must be what heaven is like..."  -E

50 days until my due date!  That's seven weeks until June 24th and only four weeks before I'm considered full-term.  Wow!  This little boy is often stretching and hiccuping and you can see my belly move, probably from across the room.  Unfortunately every time I try to catch the movement on film, little boy settles down before the camera's on.  


A couple days ago, I suddenly freaked out that if the baby comes early, we don't have a place for him to sleep.  Technically we do, but it's not set up yet.  I desperately need to be patient for Eric to finish his last final on Thursday before I try to get him on board about baby prep.  And on May 26th, the church is planning a baby shower so I also need to be patient to see what we'll need to get ourselves before little one comes.  


Very excited about little man's arrival.  Of course I'm nervous but hopefully within the next month, Eric and I can take a labor class (May 10th), pack our bags, get life insurance, write wills, learn how to fold cloth diapers and feel ready for this adjustment.  And if the little one can keep baking until June 15th, I'll gracefully wrap up nannying for this family when school ends.  Am I ever thankful that I shouldn't be pregnant in midsummer since I already get overheated just sitting still or standing in conversation.  Exciting times ahead!

In fifteen minutes, I will have been baking this baby for 31 weeks!  I feel like as I get closer to the finish line, I should stop to do a happy dance more often.  Surely these next nine weeks or so are going to fly by.  Time just doesn't stop moving and before I know it, I'm going to have a little boy to get to know.

Whereas it presently takes me a week or two to figure out which tiny baby outfits I can wash together so the colors don't bleed and how not to shrink the already impossibly small outfits, I am going to very soon need to get accustomed to throwing in regular loads of baby laundry including cloth diapers.  At this point, I have no idea how I will be able to get out of the house in a reasonable amount of time with a daily baby to do list and I don't know how I'll be able to carry everything.  Right now, I feel loaded down just carrying my laptop and Bible... how will I add a baby and diaper bag?!

I'm exhausted now even though I can sleep for 10 hours straight.  What will it feel like to be recovering from giving birth while trying to appease, I mean care for, a newborn who doesn't know that nighttime is for sleeping?

Very soon a baby's going to come and I don't think I have any idea how different my lifestyle is going to be.

Welcome to the 3rd Trimester!

I'm not sure if entering one's third trimester is actually an achievement worth celebrating because apparently the most difficult three months are ahead, but at least it means I'm getting closer to seeing our little man's face.

As is to be expected of first time mamas, I am full of a variety of thoughts and emotions:

I can't wait to hear him giggle and laugh.

I hope he's healthy.

What will Eric do will I'm in labor?

What will I do when I'm in labor?

When will little man make his appearance?

Will I be able to get him out of the house in a reasonable amount of time so I can enjoy adult conversation and keep working?

Imagine, in four months, changing diapers and breastfeeding will (hopefully) be normal.

I'm so grateful this stage in life is coming.

I might be crazy.

Hopefully he isn't colicky... but if he is, hopefully I don't go crazy.

Looking forward to enjoying salmon rolls and red wine again.

I'll be disappointed if he doesn't like the baby sling that I dream of carrying him in.

Hope he likes his name.

Hope I don't forget him somewhere.

The concerns go on and on.

Most of all, I want to be able to control my anxiety, make wise decisions, have a strong marriage and raise kids who love God and others.

Goal Setting

In five months, my life is going to change dramatically. It will take me longer to get out of the house. I'll have more to carry whenever I go out. I will probably have more surprises in my day. More doctor's appointments. More giggles and smiling. More smells and more joy.

That being said, I have a couple things I ought to do before that time comes along.

#1. Learn how to use my camera. (find my charger... find my camera!)

#2. Learn/practice yoga, meditation and relaxation practices. Try to be less anxious.

#3. Figure out the next step in my ordination process. Maybe write some rough drafts of the paperwork.

#4. Sort the clutter hidden behind the closet doors and in drawers. Throw out unnecessary paperwork.

#5. Pamper myself. Enjoy peace and quiet.

In the holiday spirit

(Mostly for Ruth who I think is the only person who still checks this site)

Merry Christmas!

Everything is going well here. Eric just finished his final semester critique and felt it went better than expected. Deep sigh of relief! I'm prepping to lead the Christmas Eve and the New Year's Day services and the little boys are being well behaved because Santa's watching, you know. After hosting our first church Christmas party last Saturday, I can feel stress leaving our household especially since it is the most clean it has been since we moved in last August. Homemade cookies are on the counter, spiced apple juice in the refrigerator, visitation plans in the works and the anticipation of Eric having a couple weeks off from school makes this moment pretty wonderful. Looking forward to seeing you, Ruth!

So much

Three months ago, if you had tried to describe to me what my life would look like today, I wouldn't have believed you. So many things have changed-- jobs, housing, transportation, etc. SO MUCH! But for the good. Feeling grateful.

Now What?

I have had a tendency to fill up my time with productive activities with the goal of learning, making money and/or building my resume. In the past I've drawn diagrams of my commitments and my free time with the intention of packing in just one more activity (or two!). One of Eric's goals has been to help me stop and smell the roses, to appreciate down time and to enjoy quality time with friends without rushing out the door with an arrogant self-awareness. The truth is that it wasn't arrogance-- it was a way to build walls of protection, to not get too close to anyone who might hurt me. I didn't want allow anyone to see my weaknesses or to criticize me. So I ran and ran, but not really ran because I always get stomach cramps when I try to.

This past year, I decided to calm down and enjoy people. I purposely only worked enough for us to pay the bills and I started breaking my habit of rushing out the door. Since then, Eric and I have have built better friendships and learned more about each other. Instead of feeling criticized as people saw my weaknesses, I felt more encouraged and loved because I feel like certain people know me better, are more honest and truly love me.

So now that I have jobs set up for next year, working a normal 40 hour week, my initial reaction was that I need to fill up the extra time with commitments. I certainly wouldn't want to be home alone would I? Then I spoke to a theatre professor at Drew who encouraged me to use my time creatively. Without the constant burden of school assignments and deadlines over my head, I can do whatever I want with my time.

So then what does a person who enjoys dabbling in a variety of creative endeavors do? Ideally I want to find a hobby that functions as a creative outlet, glorifies God and quite honestly, that I can excel in. I wouldn't say I idolize certain people in the sense of putting them above God, but I definitely look up to a variety of people who are talented and successful musicians, photographers, playwrights, writers and parents.

Where do I even start? Probably by just doing what I love. Even though it's hot and our little apartment doesn't have air-conditioning, when everyone else is at work, I probably just need to start doing what I love to do rather than spending seven hours a day browsing the internet. I want to be a producer rather than just a consumer. Please understand these are my pipe dreams: I want to be a producer of harmonies and lyrics, of beautiful photographs, of unique perspectives and story lines, of passion and joy. I want to make people think and laugh and love. While a part of me desires to be successful, accomplished and honored, it is probably more likely that I will die in obscurity as most artists do (E and I have had this conversation before about artists). And perhaps that is fine if I have lived a life of love.

But when no one is around to love, rather than become depressed that I'm alone, I will try to use my time productively in the creative sense. Not sure which creative route I'll take yet, maybe all of them and we'll see what happens. Goal: To enjoy the joys of life offered by God.

Sigh of contentment

Last day as a 26 year old...

I like the even years.

However, I have a feeling this odd year will be pretty good.

I've already gone through my quarter life crisis and I can appreciate that I know how to cook some pretty good meals, provide a roof over our heads, get along with my family and have many friends. Hopefully this next year will be one of good health and more love.

Whew!!!

My life is finally in order!! For the next indefinite amount of time, I will be working part-time in ministry, part-time in childcare. I'm not going to go into details because that's how folks get into trouble, but I am thrilled to be at two first choice places. Hopefully everything goes well!!

Gratitude and Anticipation

I was walking home this afternoon carrying groceries thinking about the numerous things I appreciate about life at the moment. Since we're facing the prospect of big changes, I think it's appropriate to take a moment to list the things we enjoy as we start our second year of marriage:

- living within walking distance of a grocery store and the library

- not living within hearing distance of a train or church bells

- being able to see friends often (not all friends, but some great ones)

- free internet thanks to generous neighbors

- a level bed (I kept complaining about it when I was sick until thanks to my parents and Eric, they figured out how to help... you have no idea how a crooked bed can mess up your back!)

- his/her closets

- good water pressure

- good flavored water from the sink

- a quiet and safe suburban neighborhood

Things we're looking forward to someday acquiring:

- a guest bedroom

- more kitchen counter space

- air-conditioning (more for E since he's used to it)

- a bigger bed

As I write this, I'm thinking about you Kenny and the lifestyle you've chosen living in a slum. I never wanted to be the suburban wife, never wanted to be comfortable in American culture. I can definitely say I'm not comfortable in the culture around me, but Sherri reminds me not to be sucked into the "bigger is better" mentality that surrounds us. How difficult that is when some of the people we love show that mindset.

I certainly married the man who said he'd be willing to move to Uganda with me but here we are making our home in one of the wealthiest states in the US. As the dean taught me, it's just a phase. We'll see what future phases hold.

Morning Routine (2nd day in a row):

This morning I woke up around 7am, watched the Bachelorette online while doing two loads of laundry and after a breakfast of Spanish rice and nachos (is that weird?), I did this 19 minute workout: Bootcamp Body Makeover (beginner). I wouldn't recommend doing this routine with a male significant other if her see-through top would be distracting... However, it made me feel a lot better about myself than the 20 Minute Sweat Workout of which I only got through the first five minutes of strength training before my strength ran out.

Here's to the hope!

Tonight I walked about two miles. Eric had handbell choir so I decided to walk to the church while he was rehearsing and hope that he saw me on the way home in order to pick me up. Despite my dad and Eric's doubts that my plan would work, I didn't have to walk a total of five miles roundtrip. :-)

Thank God I started intentionally exercising today because I found myself stressing out over job opportunities/closings. I'm also thankful that I have great positive people in my life who continue to be supportive and realistic. Here's to the hope of even better things!

Accountability

Yesterday I was googling "how to motivate yourself to exercise" and came across the intriguing advice to blog about your exercise habits.

Recently I have been doing nothing more than occasional walks and I picked up a 5pd weight once in the past month. However my sister's wedding is in twenty days and I want to look better as a bridesmaid than I did at Amanda's wedding three weeks ago. So here's my goal: defined arms and calves for Katie's bridesmaid dress and maybe a washboard stomach for desired swimming in NH lakes. :-) I'll just consider the photos from Amanda's wedding my starting point and we'll see what happens.

This morning as soon as Eric left, I visited a website recommended to me months ago by Sherri called "ExerciseTV." I found this 21 minute dance video and completed it before Eric got to work. So instead of vegging in front of online tv, I've already exercised! And the coach in the video made me feel good about myself with her generalized compliments which I happily accepted. :-)

Also, this article discusses the benefits of movement for depression and stress. I wouldn't say I'm depressed right now, but stressed, yes. Just hoping to find a great job before Eric returns to school. So here's to online accountability to exercise.

Now off to the grocery store to stock up on fresh vegetables (spaghetti squash, spinach, tomatoes, onions), canned/frozen vegetables (artichokes, peas and carrots), chicken, beef, scallops and rice. I've been looking forward to making a few dishes all weekend (spaghetti squash and scallops, chicken curry, spinach and artichoke dip). These were all successful dishes early last week that I've been craving but I also need to keep adding dishes to my repertoire. Maybe something fruity!

And then I'll submit one more job application...

1 Year

Yesterday marked my first one year wedding anniversary. For the past eleven months, Eric and I have celebrated our month anniversaries which have had varying levels of excitement (flowers, special meals, forgotten nothings). To celebrate we went to Red Lobster where we had wanted to go after our wedding reception but didn't because of a long wait. Talk about a long wait-- a year! And we enjoyed a hotel room with a jacuzzi. It was fun. Now we've been there and done that and it's time for other adventures. Above is our first annual family photo in front of our current residence. I'm looking forward to seeing what changes are in store for us in future years!Last week was my childhood best friend's wedding in North East, PA. We enjoyed the ceremonies, lots of familiar grapes and wine in the wine country I call home and I was able to show Eric my childhood stomping grounds including the Erie Zoo.

I was surprised how often I repeated, "I used to dream about being a (panda bear, otter, etc.)... well, not really being the animal, but living in this cage..."

Oh, yeah. And a week before Mandy's wedding was my graduation. I am apparently now a master of divinity. Sounds good, right? ;-)

And finally, now as I apply to a variety of jobs that are so varied it cracks me up, I am trying to learn how to make new recipes. In the past week, I've learned to make Artichoke and Garlic Spaghetti, Thai Green Curry with Chicken and tonight's special, Spaghetti Squash and Scallops.

I'm feeling quite proud of my growing culinary skills and grateful for this moment in time.

Ketchup of the past 5 Months

Wow, did I really not post for five months? Sorry about that.

I just completed my last semester at Drew Theological School and last Saturday, I graduated with an M.Div. :) I have greatly enjoyed the education and would recommend it to anyone with three years of time on their hands and an interest in religion and society.

Halfway through Lent, my little disease flared up and I spent a month and a half trying natural means to get better. Praise God, it worked!! It was still rough, but I didn't go to the hospital which means I won't be receiving hospital bills for the next six months! I'm so grateful I was well just enough to be able to host my parents and my parents-in-law for three days of graduation activities all culminating with me preaching on Sunday morning. I certainly felt supported and loved and after everyone left, I slept for three and a half hours.

This past semester, I've thoroughly grieved the parting of friends across the country and a change in my lifestyle and beloved community. So now that I face a summer of part-time work and much time on my own, I think I'll handle the change alright.

It helps to have a cat! I convinced Eric to get a four year old, tailless cat last week and she's keeping us great company. Her name is Pi and she had a sister named Radius in her past family. Not only does Pi provide us with company and entertainment, but she also gives us just a couple chores to do throughout the day and the reminder that we can successfully care for another. Granted it's only been a week but I think she's the perfect addition to our little family.

So that's the past five months in a wrap. Now I'm wondering what I should learn next? One has SO MUCH MORE FREE TIME without classes. No deadlines hanging over my head. It's amazing. So, should I learn a couple languages in case I decide I'd like a phd? Or should I learn how to juggle? Or how to make sushi (that's going to happen!)? Any other ideas?

A Long Break

I just spent possibly my last January break doing very little. I was mostly a consumer of online videos and blogs. I bought five books, borrowed about ten from the library and read none. I played Monopoly, Settlers of Catan and Phase Ten with my husband and other great friends multiple times a week. I cautiously drank caffeinated beverages and went walking everything I felt stressed out. I visited family and friends, cherishing moments of passionate honest conversation, children's funny remarks and babies' smiles and giggles. I did some cleaning but not enough. I worked part-time in the afternoons to help top off our income. I just spent five weeks doing very little and I survived.

Honestly, I was a bit scared I'd get sick since the two bouts of inflammatory bowel disease I've had have flared up during my school breaks. I am so grateful that my husband is willing to go for walks even when he's irritated at me and we need to talk something out. I'm grateful for family friends who have opened their doors wide open and said, "We're not inviting you again-- you should know you're always welcome." Cuddles on the couch with kids, a non-accusatory counselor who excused my video-watching as necessary escapism and time to learn how to cook tuna fish casserole, Amish Friendship bread, deviled eggs and shrimp dip have all been appreciated this month. Visits from two of our best friends who no longer live with us were highlights of the break. Reading my grandmother's marked up Bible was also a precious moment.

Indeed, I have felt a lot of anxiety this month regarding the possibility of an impending bout, watching a car hit a deer in front of me in the dark, both of our cars creaking with procrastinated needs, weekly snow storms leading to questioning the safety of going to work in opposite directions, body image questions as I try to figure out what a healthy weight and food portions are for me, the artificial stress of trying to win board games while deeply knowing that we're trying to figure out how to make it in the real world, the newlywed arguments about expectations, etc.

However, many good things have happened, see above. I'm grateful and a burden has definitely lifted having gotten through break without getting sick. My counselor expects it to take a minimum of a year to feel emotionally stable again after this last hospitalization. That means I'm halfway there. Interesting concept that it takes time to heal-- I don't think I like it because it's out of my hands...

Anyway, classes start on Tuesday. My last semester as a theological student. I love school. But I'm tired. Tired of writing papers only a professor reads, of trying to please to get an A, of the "I don't know where I'll be next year" feeling.

I'm desperately trying to quiet the voice inside of me that desires to adopt right now. I'm trying to appreciate this pre-kid stage and to figure out how the chores should be divided between us. Where are the lines between appreciated dependance and unappreciated doing too much? How can E and I keep growing as responsible adults without doing everything for each other? Where is love-- "I love you so I'll do that for you." and "I love you so I'll let you learn how to do that." Having heard stories about elderly widows and widowers who never needed to learn how to drive, how to cook, etc. and the struggle they face after the death of their loved ones, I want E and I to be capable of being independent. How can that happen when we married young and when we don't want to be independent?

I kind of want to have a vacation from vacation-- to have time to forget my questions and anxieties, to talk with E as if we were still dating and not so intwined in each other's lives, to feel carefree and giddy. I suppose the up-side at this point is that I know I'm loved, that we are committed to each other-- we're just trying to figure out what that looks like.

All of these ramblings are for my own processing, perhaps a dangerous thing on the internet but it's honest. I love and care about many people. I desire to line up my heart with my actions in order to live out my love. I need to figure out the home front first.

Much love

This is one of those moments where I'm acknowledging how good life is. I get to fall asleep next to my chosen life partner every night without a social stigma. We are close to our parents and two specific local families with young kids also treat us like family blessing me with the fond nicknames "Hay-hay" and "Aunt Heather." We have maintained some college friendships outside of Facebook and get to sing weekly. We meet every other month with a group of young couples for feasting and laughter which is where we spent our evening tonight. We remember God's love and grace. We are well loved and try to love well. I wish desperately that all people would feel so loved in the unique ways that we each crave.

Our first married Halloween

Can you tell who carved which pumpkin?

These witches were the two tricker treaters who could verbalize words out of the three children we saw Halloween night at our apartment door.

Therefore we had A LOT of candy left over. :-)